i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
