your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
