Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
