my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
