i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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