life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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