You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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