You don't have asthma, your pregnant
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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