you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
