Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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