but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
