Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
