Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
