wake up i wanna do it froggy style
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize