epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
