Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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