How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
