My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize