I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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