he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
