i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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