that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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