I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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