Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
