i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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