This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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