Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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