There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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