I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just invented taco cereal.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
