if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
