Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize