Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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