It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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