eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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