i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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