honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
