I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize