Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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