if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
