We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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