I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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