I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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