Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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