While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
