He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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