too bad you live with your parents still
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
