The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
