So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
