fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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