Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize