I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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