She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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