come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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