when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
