Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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