I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
