I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
